I don't normally blog these.....

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....You know, those internet jokes that go around. But Alicia, from over at Fructus Ventris, sent me this and it is too perfect not to share. This time of the year, it's really true! And for everything you read that says "the South", just double it for Texas.

Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip South, here are some helpful hints.

Women's Accessories:

NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.

Stadium Size:

NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.


NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Campus Decor:

NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:

NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.


NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning

Getting Tickets:

NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on
campus,make a large financial contribution and put name on a waiting list for tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:

NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.


NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:

NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never Broadcast from their campus.


NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium:

NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it state's third largest city.


NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:

NORTH : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:

NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male):

NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."

Commentary (Female):

NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."


NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game:

NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.

Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football!


You might make an exception in some of your "north" categories for Big Ten cities. Here in Ann Arbor we have a stadium bigger than any in Texas (20,000 might be one section), and the city comes to a halt on home game days. But I understand that in Columbus it's much worse.

Dang, I didn't realize how southern Nebraska football is! We've got everything on that list, including the "stadium is the third largest city bit." Oh, and excluding the fancy handbags for women. And the bourbon is replaced by gin up here.

Does only college football count ? College games here in Pittsburgh are fairly tame, unless it's A. Pitt/Penn State, or B. Pitt/WVU .
Now NFL games are a whole different story....

Ahaha! There's nothing like the South....

Notre Dame lined up with a lot of that when I was there--I tried to go to the library one day to study instead of going to the game, but everything else on campus was closed because of course no one would be anywhere but the game or tailgating :)


...and while I was studying (in my room) I could tell exactly how the game was going, because the cheers would practically shake my window!

I kind of skipped over this post when I first saw it. Then I read a review of Mike Shropshire's book Runnin' With The Big Dogs in Saturday's Wall Street Journal. It's a history of the annual antics of the crazed fans that come to the Cotton Bowl to cheer on (a very mild term in this case) their team at the Texas-OU game. I thought we had a cross state rivalry to be proud of here in Washington state but it can’t compare to the epic insanity that descends on Dallas every year. I’m marking my calendar – so I’ll never make the mistake of being there!



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This page contains a single entry by MamaT published on August 30, 2006 5:32 PM.

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