it's funny but whenever we have a new baby in the house i typically place myself on what i call "house arrest" for the first few months. not only is it important to the bonding process twixt mommy, family and babes, it's practical because it's a real challenge to get all the wee ones ready for outings. but for some reason, this time around things are a little different. i'm feeling a disconnect from the outside world, even friends, and it's not all that pleasant. of course, sacrifice never is.
i want to chalk it up to feeling a tad overwhelmed and most certainly sleep deprived, but i'm not sure that it's that simple. maybe having twins makes the difference? i don't know. but for the first time ever, i'm feeling really disconnected. disconnected, not withdrawn. therein lies the rub, as they say. in the past (if memory serves) it's always been a deliberate withdrawal to enjoy the babes, learn a new routine. but now, now it's different, almost funky. don't get me wrong, i wouldn't change a thing about every precious moment spent with the wee ones (except perhaps the three AM feeding), but now i'm learning the true meaning of the phrase "there just aren't enough hours in the day."
i guess i've been spoiled in the past because things seemed easier to prioritize and manage -- or! perhaps i just remember them that way. maybe i've forgotten the struggle like we "forget" the pains of birth. maybe i've been down this road before but time has blurred the map. i know i do more than i should on some days, but not enough on others. where is the balance? how to make time for duties, family and friends so that i don't feel so disconnected is the challenge. and no matter how well i prioritize, there will always be dirty laundry and dishes. fie! damnable chores!
it's my mother's fault. no, not really but who else gets the blame? it's going to be one mother or another, don't you know. actually my mother does see things in, well i don't know what you'd call it but it conjures up hefty feelings of guilt. for example, if i'm taking care of one baby the other is being deprived. if i'm loving on one child, another is being ignored. change this one's diaper, the other somehow suffers. sorry, i just don't think that way. then again, here lately, her voice in the back of my head keeps gnawing, "what about them? him? her? fill-in-the-blank?" if i'm writing this blog, someone somewhere is being ignored. if i take a shower, it's inevitable that someone needs me to get gum out of her hair. if i lock myself in the bathroom to talk to friend, someone needs me to get a sandwich out of the VCR or to look up the twin's social security numbers. oh, let's face it, being a wife and mother means that someone somewhere is always going to need something from you. that's why it's a vocation, not a vacation. at least, that's what i keep telling myself. along with my latest mantra, this too shall pass.
why am i afraid to sit down and read a few blogs, call a friend, sit down and watch the amazing race? why is it that any little thing i do outside of duty ends up being a declaration? i will call her today if it's the last thing i do! i am going to sit down and read ten pages of this book! i will take this nasty toenail polish off this week!
i guess the bottom line is that i just want to be able to shave my legs without feeling guilty.