For most, there is no crueler day of the calendar year than that of Valentine's Day. While a tiny fraction of the population can look forward to a holiday of wine and roses, poetry and song- the vast majority of us can anticipate a day of nausea and grimacing, trauma and grief. A day in which minutes seem like hours, and hours like days, as we reflect sorrowfully on yesteryear's romantic indignities, today's loneliness, and the unknowable but certain heartbreak that will be visited upon us repeatedly in the years to come.
When cruelty and holidays collide, the weak-willed find solace in self-pity and comfort foods. And like some twisted and opportunistic confectioner who preys upon the most emotionally vulnerable, Despair Inc. is proud to announce that yet again, we have combined the two into a radical offering:
BitterSweets(tm) - The Valentine's Candy for the Rest of Us.
Like the ubiquitous candy "conversation" hearts, BitterSweets(tm) are made of flavored, chalky-tasting sugar and sport a message on their face. But unlike other candy hearts, ours are stamped with bitter musings and mockeries perfectly suited to the dejected spirits of those who will spend the holiday alone, or wishing they were.
Messages recalling an almost forgotten, unbearably painful memory of being dumped. Or perhaps of a dysfunctional, psychotic ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. Or of that cruel-hearted girl (or boy) in elementary school who rejected your valentine solicitations, informing you that Jake (or Holly) was "so totally way hotter".
And for the first time ever, Despair has made BitterSweets(tm) available in TWO unique collections, "Dejected" and "Dysfunctional", both of which feature up to 37 unique sayings each!
"Dejected" sayings include:
I MISS MY EX • PEAKED AT 17 • MAIL ORDER • TABLE FOR 1
I CRY ON Q • U C MY BLOG? • REJECT PILE • PILLOW HUGGIN
ASYLUM BOUND • DIGNITY FREE • PROG FAN • STATIC CLING
WE HAD PLANS • XANADU 2NITE • SETTLE 4LESS • NOT AGAIN
"Dysfunctional" sayings include:
RUMORS TRUE • PRENUP OKAY? • HE CAN LISTEN • GAME ON TV
CALL A 900# • P.S. I LUV ME • DO MY DISHES • UWATCH CMT
PAROLE IS UP! • BE MY YOKO • U+ME=GRIEF • I WANT HALF
RETURN 2 PIT • NOT MY MOMMY • BE MY PRISON • C THAT DOOR?
OK, "Be My Yoko" is pretty funny. For what it's worth, men hate this holiday, too.
Bill
If you want to see what St. Valentine's Day is really about, see Ophelia's song in Hamlet, Act 4, scene 5: "Went in a maid, that out a maid never departed more."
"dignity free" and "up ur meds" bring several people to mind.