John Huntley's comments below are well worth reading. And it made me start thinking about what advice I'd give men about women, and what advice I'd give women about men.
First, there is the advice I'd give BOTH: Come to terms with the fact that in many ways, you and your significant other are RADICALLY different. And IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THAT WAY. Each of you has gifts that the other can use. You're going to spend the next 50 years being amazed at what the other thinks, feels, and says. And that's a good thing! I've been sad, I've been mad, I've been thrilled, I've been happy, but I ain't ever been bored with PapaC in 25 years.
What I'd tell men?
1. It doesn't take a big thing to "take care of Sugar." Too many men pass up the small tokens of affection and go for the ONE BIG FREAKIN' DEAL. They'll pass up the $3.99 boquest of daisies from the grocery store, putting off flowers until they can get the $50 bouquet of roses. Just DO IT NOW! They'll pass up the trip to Braum's for the ice cream cone and think, "I should plan a weekend away." Hey! Buy us the ice cream!!!!!
2. Regularity is key. That's tied in to doing smaller things--unless you're richer than PapaC and I are! Don't make it clockwork--who wants to think, "Oh, here it is Friday, time for the funny card." But if it's been 2 weeks, and you can't think of a single sweet thing you've done--IT'S TIME, BUBBA!
3. MAKE her take care of herself. MAKE her go out for "girls' time" with her friends. Keep the kids away from the bathroom door and let her do that "girly maintenance stuff" in peace. It's common for mommies to put themselves way, way last--behind the kids, behind you, behind the house, behind her parents, behind her church, blah, blah, blah, blah..... Part of your job is to put her first.
4. Call her briefly during the day. If the McKid is screaming, sometimes all I need to hear is PapaC's voice on the phone. It's calming. It's reassuring. It means someone is thinking of ME.
5. Pray for her. Every day. Every time you think of it.
6. Forgive her.
What I'd tell women?
1. Earnin' the salt, is a BIG, BIG, BIG deal. For those of us who are SAHMs, it's perhaps the biggest way that our men tell us they love us. NEVER FORGET THAT. PapaC has gotten up and gone to work for clients from hell and in places that I'd rather be shot than go to. To be ungrateful for that would be the most unloving thing I can do.
2. Yeah, your day was hard. SO WAS HIS. I don't care if the dog tracked in mud, the baby threw up, and your dishwasher broke. That doesn't mean that you are Joan of Arc, fixin' to be burned at the stake. Drop the martyr act, and go on about your business. And I promise you this: If you'll make a resolution to meet him at the door with a hug and a smooch every time he comes home, you'll be a happier woman for it.
3. Let him have his hobbies! If he hunts, let him hunt. If he fishes, let him fish. (The only MamaT rule here? You catch it, you clean it!) If he watches football, let him watch! If he listens to opera, let him listen. If he reads, let him read. Give him some SPACE!!!! Don't think you have to do every single thing together.
4. Give up those mean and ugly jokes about men. It's not nice. Speak only well of him to other people. And if you can't do THAT, then be quiet.
5. Pray for him. Every day. Every time you think of it.
6. Forgive him.
And that's MamaT's Dr. Phil moment for today. Ta Da!
Brava, Good advice. Hope people follow it. It would make my life a lot easier.
I would suggest regular confession for both as well.
"Give up those mean and ugly jokes about men. It's not nice."
written like a true lady. i admire your gentility.
Dear MamaT,
Thank you. I learned something here, now pray that I learn to apply it.
shalom,
Steven
The only MamaT rule here? You catch it, you clean it!
Since I am the one in our household most likely to both kill and cook any hapless animal, this rule goes without saying. If, however, Melanie decided to bag a nice wild boar, I would probably want to do the cleaning and butchering, just because she would throw away the best parts (mmmm. Wild boar head cheese!). As far as fish, well, I have cleaned so many of those things, that a few more really won't bug me. As long as I have a sharp knife and plenty of beer.
What would you say to a woman about a man and to a man about a woman?
Two words. Honesty and communication.
these two words are the constant fibres woven through the ever evolving fabric of a relationship. Each depends upon the other and encompasses every possible aspect or situation within that relationship. If you establish these two singularly most important elements from the begining, then you have everything which you could possibly envisage by way of a problem covered. Irrespective of the nature of each personality within that relationship, it will ultimately hold together and grow.
I am English, a builder, and an individual who has bent or broken every rule within the boundaries of relationships. Not perhaps the best candidate to spout written wisdom on this or any other site pertaining to living in domestic harmony. But to all men, from new age 'in touch with their female side' types to the full on dyed in the wool macho types I will say this. Recognise when your macho ego begins to log on and blank out the words of a woman. Listen instead to the wisdom of those you have loved, love and will love. Only by their collective understanding of life, love and relationships will you truely grow....both as a man, and as a partner.
Only through the women I have been both honoured and delighted to know have I truely learned what it is to be male, and how the male mind works. If that sounds like so much crap to a male reader, then all I can say is 'bro...the journey might just be long, and fraught with many dead ends'.