fak'n bacon? let's be frank, i'd rather eat boogers

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"bacon tastes good. pork chops taste goood." ~ john travolta as vincent vega, pulp fiction

some of my very best friends are crunchy, but i have a bone to pick with those vegan-types who think it's okay to eat meatless meat. what is up with that? perusing the frozen food section of my local grocer tonight, what should i stumble upon but a whole section devoted to vegan frozen food -- and i use the term "food" very lightly.

did you know that there is actually more than one brand devoted to this stuff? and they make all sorts of simulated meats. one example: breakfast sausage links. hello? do vegivores actually admit to eating sausage for breakfast? i mean, what’s the point? well, i don’t eat meat products, so i refused the scrambled eggs, but i had a damn tasty sausage link! mmmm-mmmm.

isn’t eating a vegetarian bar-b-q burger just a little disingenuous or is it me? is it the fact that the “ham” is dropped that makes it okay? of course, the label that ruffled my feathers read “all American burger.” well, excuse me, but if it’s “all American” it simply has to have meat. not just any meat. red meat. and forgive my candor, but bar-b-q without meat is akin to coitus without, well, you know.

some of these meatless products are "proudly made with organic soy." is there any other kind of soy? that’s hypothetical, by the way, because i really do not want to know. not surprisingly, one company doesn’t even label their patties as chicken – nope, it’s chik’n. is that supposed to be cute? well, at least it's a'soying.

doesn’t it tell you something when these products promise to taste “more like the real thing”? it tells me that all these people really want the REAL thing, hunger for the real thing, desire the real thing. so, why not just eat the real thing? and if you really do not want the real thing, why try so hard to match the flavor and texture of the real thing? if you don't dig on swine, why dig on soy swine? if you ask me, it's like trying to polish poop.

honestly, i don't begrudge a vegan the right to eat all the veggies he wants. it isn't really the anti-meat stance that mightily chaps my hide. no, it's the cloyingly pretentious holier-than-thou attitude so many vegans employ. one vegan company’s slogan reads “wildly tantalizing, yet totally virtuous. just like you.” oh, why not just gag me with a bean curd. once food choices are elevated to the status of religion, things just get freaking weird. now, don’t get me wrong. i understand the schizophrenic relationship we all have with wanting to eat the good stuff without having to kill the pigs and cows. i have a good deal of respect for people who veg for genuinely ethical reasons – as long as they aren’t wearing leather shoes while they eat it. still if truth be told, i think there’s something seriously off beam about eating a meatless meatloaf.

it’s not unlike the bewilderment that fake fur advocates bring. isn’t wearing the fake fur or skin of a dead animal sending the wrong message? if i could, i’d be wearing the real thing. look! fur is pretty, but it’s mean, so i wear fake stuff. i mean, if you’re really anti-fur, why not just jump in the deep end and be truly anti-fur, none of these fake capes for you, nosiree. it should be the same for vegivores. eat all the soy and sprouts and oh heck, whatever else it is that you want to eat, but stop sending your blasted mixed signals by chow’n down on chik’n and eat’n wheat meat.


This makes me want to go out and get a foie gras, sear it and serve it with Spanish quince paste and a chilled sauterne.

Of course a shift in wind direction will make me want to do that, too.

Vegans are lunatics, pure and simple. If God didn't want us to eat animals, He wouldn't have made them so tasty.

Ask a jaguar.

You go, Smock! Thanks for the morning giggle. As a reformed veg-head, I so know what you are talking about. :-) How could I wear that awesome black leather motorcycle jacket and *not* eat a hamburger!?!

r o f l smock, I totally agree.

Thanks for putting into words what I'd been thinking for a long time!

LOL yeah that stuff is gross looking. I stuck to hummus when we went to the vegan resteraunt for moms night out (now, hummus is GOOD and theres no fake meat substitues included).

I can usually tell a smock post from a MamaT one just by the title. Any mention of boogers or fornication indicates da' smock!

Any mention of boogers or fornication indicates da' smock!

I am reminded of a friend (whose name I will not divulge) who had an interesting tactic for the game Taboo. Whenever the person with the list of words got stuck, she would say "pornography" and "monkeys," because, in her experience, those are the two words everyone gets stuck on.

Her turn came, of course, and she got "pornography." So instead of being stuck, she gave us an unmistakeable clue: "That word I always say!"

And after such a digression, I suppose I ought to say that, once again, the Smock has perpetrated a glorious rant, one with which I heartily agree.

Preach it, Smockmomma!

I got a laugh out of this. Our Eastern Catholic lenten fast is basically vegan. The first year we followed it, I just bought all kinds of "fake" meat, as I didn't have a clue how else to cook. You know, just eat the way we usually do, but with fake meat. First, missed the "Spirit" of the fast, second, GROSS, and third, EXPENSIVE. Now we just do lots of rice, beans and veggies, and look forward to Easter with GREAT appetite. Good one!

A vegan eating meatless meat is like a Baptist dry humping his girlfriend on the back pew after an ice cream social.

Sorry for the crudeness. I am a crudite after all.

Anybody quotes Vincent Vega's got to be on my blogroll. I hope you won't mind.

Wow, the internet sure is small!!! Secret Agent Man, we found your website about 18 months ago. It came up when we were looking for spy stuff for our son. We liked the title and bookmarked you. And now, here you are at the Summa Mommas.

Go, Smock!! My neighbors are vegetarian for health reasons and they eat all that soy meat junk. Some of our family has dairy sensitivity and we got some soy cheese...oh, gag me with a spoon!!!! Eat it or don't, people!!!!!!!!

My neighbors are vegetarian for health reasons

Those types always look like death warmed over, and then everyone clucks with disbelief when they keel over at fifty while jogging.

Cigars, steak and martinis are much healthier.

It's fine with me if people want to avoid eating meat, but why on earth do they want to eat make-believe meat? If I objected to eggplant, I wouldn't be attracted to a product that was really made of chicken, cunningly disguised to look and taste like eggplant. It doesn't make sense.

For me it is a bit more simple. It's like this: ever watched an animal with hoofs in front of an animal with claws? There is a practical and REAL reason why some animals eat others.... Like we all didn't already know that....(and for those of us who weren't aware, this is exactly why a man has any power over a horse...it's not because a man is more powerful.)

Regardless of our preference of protein, I do agree that it is a bit ridiculous to suppose one is eating something that they really are not.

Doesn't that describe half the eating problems in the world?



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This page contains a single entry by smockmomma published on March 24, 2006 10:53 PM.

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