some of my very best friends are crunchy, but i have a bone to pick with those vegan-types who think it's okay to eat meatless meat. what is up with that? perusing the frozen food section of my local grocer tonight, what should i stumble upon but a whole section devoted to vegan frozen food -- and i use the term "food" very lightly.
did you know that there is actually more than one brand devoted to this stuff? and they make all sorts of simulated meats. one example: breakfast sausage links. hello? do vegivores actually admit to eating sausage for breakfast? i mean, what’s the point? well, i don’t eat meat products, so i refused the scrambled eggs, but i had a damn tasty sausage link! mmmm-mmmm.
isn’t eating a vegetarian bar-b-q burger just a little disingenuous or is it me? is it the fact that the “ham” is dropped that makes it okay? of course, the label that ruffled my feathers read “all American burger.” well, excuse me, but if it’s “all American” it simply has to have meat. not just any meat. red meat. and forgive my candor, but bar-b-q without meat is akin to coitus without, well, you know.
some of these meatless products are "proudly made with organic soy." is there any other kind of soy? that’s hypothetical, by the way, because i really do not want to know. not surprisingly, one company doesn’t even label their patties as chicken – nope, it’s chik’n. is that supposed to be cute? well, at least it's a'soying.
doesn’t it tell you something when these products promise to taste “more like the real thing”? it tells me that all these people really want the REAL thing, hunger for the real thing, desire the real thing. so, why not just eat the real thing? and if you really do not want the real thing, why try so hard to match the flavor and texture of the real thing? if you don't dig on swine, why dig on soy swine? if you ask me, it's like trying to polish poop.
honestly, i don't begrudge a vegan the right to eat all the veggies he wants. it isn't really the anti-meat stance that mightily chaps my hide. no, it's the cloyingly pretentious holier-than-thou attitude so many vegans employ. one vegan company’s slogan reads “wildly tantalizing, yet totally virtuous. just like you.” oh, why not just gag me with a bean curd. once food choices are elevated to the status of religion, things just get freaking weird. now, don’t get me wrong. i understand the schizophrenic relationship we all have with wanting to eat the good stuff without having to kill the pigs and cows. i have a good deal of respect for people who veg for genuinely ethical reasons – as long as they aren’t wearing leather shoes while they eat it. still if truth be told, i think there’s something seriously off beam about eating a meatless meatloaf.
it’s not unlike the bewilderment that fake fur advocates bring. isn’t wearing the fake fur or skin of a dead animal sending the wrong message? if i could, i’d be wearing the real thing. look! fur is pretty, but it’s mean, so i wear fake stuff. i mean, if you’re really anti-fur, why not just jump in the deep end and be truly anti-fur, none of these fake capes for you, nosiree. it should be the same for vegivores. eat all the soy and sprouts and oh heck, whatever else it is that you want to eat, but stop sending your blasted mixed signals by chow’n down on chik’n and eat’n wheat meat.