smockmomma: August 2006 Archives

of course you're familiar by now with my love of all things bacon. if somebody really loved me, they'd get this for me for my birthday cuz, well heck! it just isn't one of those things you're allowed to get for yourself.

first of all, i'd like to kvetch about people who use incorrect spelling so they can form kutsey little thingies like i just did. what is that called? besides annoying.
...anyhoo. what's up with papa john's "unlimited" toppings offer? at their online site they offer unlimited toppings --
* unlimited up to five toppings *
huh? wha? did i miss something here?

main entry: un·lim·it·ed
pronunciation: -'li-m&-t&d
function: adjective
date: 15th century
1 : lacking any controls : UNRESTRICTED
2 : BOUNDLESS, INFINITE
3 : not bounded by exceptions : UNDEFINED

how does "unlimited up to five toppings" fit into this definition? does papa john just think we're all total morons? fine then. i'm ordering dominos.

bottles, formulas, binkies, smelly blankets, mommy-talk tapes, baby monitors, and heartbeat bears move over!

in our endless search for ways to "be with our children" without actually having to "be with our children" please allow us to introduce the Zaky® Infant Pillow. this is not a joke. our tagline is actually "Zaky -- It's Like Leaving a Part of You with Your Baby."

the smock-chitlins respond:
gabby: "is that for halloween?"
grace: "[actual scream] oh my gawd!"
[mom intervenes "it isn't real"]
grace: "did they cut the hands off of a doll?"
glynnis: "what is that? eww, mom! what is it?"
duncan: "whoa. that's kinda creepy."

when will it ever end?

props to marsha for the link.

Blessed is the womb that bare thee, and the paps which thou hast sucked. Luke 11.27

The Madonna and Child with Saint Joseph and the Infant Baptist
Federico Barocci

The Madonna Nursing the Infant Christ
Adriaen Isenbrandt

Madonna Litta
Leonard De Vinci

Madonna and Child
Guido Reni

The Madonna Nursing the Infant Christ
Jan Provost

Madonna and Child with a Male Saint, Catherine of Alexandria and a Donor
Michelangelo di Pietro Mencherini

according to the catholic encyclopedia, included among the duties of parents towards their children:

The mother is bound to do nothing to prejudice the life or proper development of her unborn infant, and after birth she must under pain of venial sin nurse it herself unless there is some adequate excuse.

so if you can, you must? am i reading that correctly? and if so, wow. that should get babytalk's readers foaming at the mouth.

i think it's ironic that the answer to the question posed on the cover (why don't women nurse longer?) of the august edition of babytalk is being shouted from the mouths of all the "shocked and horrified" -- not to mention crude and callow -- female readers who are in some sort of victorian tizzy at seeing a sliver of a breast in action. less breast can be seen on babytalk than is shown by pam anderson's bikini top on the cover of the magazine across the grocery isle, but i don't hear of many women taking to the streets over that one. how typical. it's likely another case of guilt masking itself as indignation. give me just a small break, people.

i really don't have time to have to get into all of the brouhaha over the current issue, so suffice to say breast is beautiful and all you "horrified" readers with your knickers in a twist over the cover of BABYTALK, seek therapy. now.

we needed a renoir with a fan.
actually, i think renoir did several "lady with fan" paintings, but this is my fave because the subject is so pretty and there is something haunting about her eyes.

anyone know the magic formula for getting this out?

because after thirteen years of marriage and six children, He has provided smockdaddy and i with perfect "natural and virtuous" birth control. it's called a CPAP machine. CPAP stands for "continuous positive airway pressure," and that is what the machine provides for people with sleep apnea. wearing it looks something like this:

now, imagine waking up in a dark bedroom in the middle of the night next to someone wearing this contraption. you might just jump out of your skin, wet yourself, or both!

of course, there is the sexier version like mine:

okay, maybe it isn't really sexier. unfortunately, it doesn't get much better than this. when i first saw my "mask" (actually it's a small tube that fits under the nose which is made especially for claustrophobes like me) i actually shouted an explative at the poor tech. i'm sorry. but i'm only thirty-five! i can't wear this. jeff, my tech, didn't miss a beat. you wanna see thirty-six? my stats showed that i was only breathing about forty to forty-five minutes of every hour. scary. it may be ugly, but it's better than i'd look dead.

as you may have guessed by now, i was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea. apnea can be a very serious sleep disorder that, given enough time, makes you feel like you're always exhausted, cranky, and even worse, you might be afraid that you are losing your mind. i didn't start taking my symptoms seriously until i started falling asleep when i shouldn't, like rocking the boys or waiting in the doctor's office -- any time i was sitting still.

what took so long? i kept telling everyone that i was sleepy all the time and seriously forgetful and the response was usually the same. of course you're exhausted, you have six children!

but it wasn't the crankiness, the forgetfulness, the waking up with heart palpitations, the feelings of fear and paranoia that finally did it. it wasn't until i started to fall asleep while driving that i realized i had to do something about it. i couldn't be responsible for killing someone while driving. my beautiful wee ones deserved more.

i’m listing a few signs and symptoms here. if you think you might have sleep apnea, get it checked out. this isn’t just about being drowsy, it’s downright dangerous. how’s that for some awesome alliteration? here are some signs and symptoms:
excessive daytime sleepiness (includes falling asleep in a nonstimulating environment like reading in a quiet room and falling asleep in a stimulating environment like at a business meeting or while having “well, you know”), nonrestorative sleep, automobile accidents (“drowsy driver syndrome”), personality changes, decreased memory, erectile dysfunction, and depression. many times a person with sleep apnea has a spouse who complains about their snoring or who has witnessed an apneic event.

people with apnea will often wake up with morning headaches and complain that they feel like they didn’t sleep at all. also, if they take a nap, they may feel worse afterwards than if they hadn’t napped. also, if you have insomnia (which i had) it could be because your body is afraid to fall asleep – apnea puts your body in survival mode.

chronic sleep disorders are being linked to hypertension, strokes, coronary artery disease and congestive heart failure. if this doesn’t scare you into seeing a sleep specialist, it should.

i've been shocked by how many people i know who already use a CPAP. i guess it isn't something people want to talk about because it isn't altogether a sexy subject. but, i don't mind; so, feel free to email me for more information or links to resources.